I feel so tired, so drained. I don't know where I've been getting all the energy I have to last me for so long but I thank God that He has made a way and I am still in good health. I am beginning to dread the constant cycle of draining and refilling at a rate much more frequent than my hand phone battery. I just can't find the words to describe it. It's so difficult to balance reality with all the expectations from society and the people around me. I'm doing my best and I do need some time to rest, to relax and to enjoy what I used to enjoy doing. I hardly get any chance to go to east coast park any more. The only consolation is that I get to eat what I want most of the time.

Every day is like a game. I have to get from one place to another and complete certain tasks. It's not surprising that I just had time to realise how many days in the last few weeks I left home and got back home to find my mum sleeping. I want a good break to fully recharge. I want to do well but I'm just too tired at the moment.

I am seriously considering dropping at least one major commitment by the end of this year. Sure I can still cope with everything now but it is taking a very serious toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I am so tired. So tired.

I think I'm putting on quite a bit of weight. Not that I actually weighed myself on the weighing scale, but I've been eating a lot and now I'm feeling myself growing fatter. Maybe I should find some time to exercise next week.

I have nothing much to update for now.

Band life - is it just about the GWH for SYF? Probably that was a big deal to me in my infant years in band but as I 'matured' in band, I realise that the results don't matter a single bit. I was just thinking about it this afternoon about my band life. It is difficult to believe that I'm into my nineth year in band. Talk about being young. Anyway, yes, the first few years were about results because the seniors said so or because it is the easiest/most obvious/only way to judge a band. After that initial desire for good results, I realise that there are so many things that are worth so much more than a GWH or top results in a competition. These are things such as forging bonds with fellow bandmates, pre and post band activities that almost share the relationship between academics and CCA, all the fun and hype before and after performances and so on.

Even more recently, maybe last year, I feel that striving for music excellence is what a band should have. I am honestly quite tired of bands that do not take practices seriously and only put up a good show at concerts/competitions. Yes, the opinions of the audience and the results do matter to some extent, but in my opinion, band is all about making good music all the time. It shouldn't just be on the performance itself nor on the competition itself. What joy is there playing in a band that sounds horrible but only delivers during the concert or competition? I'd rather be in a band where everyone strives to play together as best as each individual is capable of, even if at the performance/competition, some things do not go right.

Ah, I have to clarify that I'm not saying this to comfort my juniors in AHBand or myself. But this is truly what I feel being in band for so many years. It is the thrill of being able to play in tune with the person next to you, the delight of balancing and getting the interval of a perfect fifth right, the satisfaction in making fortes light and creating a contrast with fortissimo, the delight of articulating clearly and being able to indulge while producing a nice, sweet tone that really renews my passion for band. Also, it is the learning process that matters a lot. Reflecting on how I couldn't even play a bar properly at the start but yet making music at the end is the most amazing feeling.

Therefore, I urge all who are disappointed with their SYF results not to despair. The results may matter for a while, but ultimately, the focus should be on what you have gained from the experience and what you can take away from it to help yourself grow into a better person.

Personally, I feel that we should not be weighed down by the SYF judging done by the 7 adjucators, nor should we be up on cloud nine because of the comments of some other people on our playing because what they heard was just a mere 15 minutes of performance. We ourselves are the best judges of ourselves and we know better than anyone what we deserve. As long as we have done our best, we should be happy we came this far.

I hope that those who are still depressed over SFY results will get over it soon and be more focused on enjoying making good music and to continue playing in a band even after leaving AHBand.

AHBand, I'm proud you improved so much in the last 3 weeks!

I'm encouraged by the significant improvement in AHband's tone, especially for the clarinet section or rather, those who were present on Saturday. The partial section was playing with so much more clarity that I thought that the school had finally seen the need for a clarinet tutor after all these years. To my surprise, that was not the case but I'm glad that those few present have made much progress though it is still far from what I want them to achieve. I'm still very disappointed and annoyed at the section's attendance for both band practices nd sectionals. The attitude is not right and it will only drag the rest of the section down.

I'm also pleased to hear from my tutee that her subject teacher has noticed an improvement in her results. It is good to hear that but I don't think that an improvement just one test calls for a celebration. The improvement and progress have to be constant and long-lasting or it wouldn't make any difference. I hope she will take this as an encouragement and be even more motivated to work harder.

In the world where we live in now, very often we crave to see instant results and when we don't see the desired results immeditely, we start to get discouraged and stop putting in as much effort, thinking that we are not doing the right thing. It is even worse that if we get good initial results, we get complacent and begin to slacken and find excuses not to work as hard and end up with lousy final results.

I must really thank God for all of these good results thus far, even though I'm still a long way from my target. I'm glad I'm working in the right direction and I hope that I will continue to make progress and be motivated to achieve the goal I've set out to get.

I have also learnt quite a lot in the past few days. I hope to remember all that I have learnt and apply it to many other areas.

That's all for now. I'll continue another day.

I can still remember in my secondary school days when teachers would ask us what we want or imagine ourselves to be 10 years down the road. Then, it was easy. Probably most of us would just envision ourselves to be in university reading our desired course, graduating with good results and getting a decent job.

Turning 21 is scary because it marks the start of 'adulthood'. It is even scarier because it is the start of the most important phase of our lives and the sort of lives we are going to lead in the future will all depend on the decisions we make from then on. I am not comfortable with making such big decisions that would affect the rest of my life yet.

It is even worse if I try to imagine myself 10 years down the road. I cannot, even in my wildest dreams imagine where and what I will be 10 years later. Will I have a satisfying job that I enjoy? Will I be married with children? If so, who will be my family; or will I remain single for the rest of my life? Will I be in debt because of a housing loan or car loan? Really scary thoughts.

I'm so grateful that I'm still young right now. I have to constantly remind myself to be prepared for the future and be ready to take on its challenges. I don't think it would be fun if I reach a point in life where I realise that I'm unprepared or that it's too late.

As for now, I think it's time to start planning and sowing.

Upon reflecting how my life has changed since a few years ago, I realise that I have more or less become a person whose existance or presence does not really make a lasting difference. Probably, it just obeys the saying that no one is indespensible. Or it could be just me not used to having so much time to spend alone and not having any goal to head towards. After two years in army, I have lost sight of most of the things I seeked to achieve.

I think I have lost my ability to blog. I just cannot find the right words to express my thoughts. It is either that or that my thoughts have become so much more intense and spontaneous that I am unable to continue with a chain of thought for long. There is just no sustainability.

I'm actally thinking of reconsidering the course I'm going to take in university. I'm not really that interested in accounting. In fact I'm not the sort who will take note of how much money I earn and spend, nor can I be bothered to be so meticulous as to record down every small detail of something. I'm not that organised and no longer as concerned about the things around me as I was before.

I know I have said it probably over ten times that I shall not bother to attempt to make people happy but I feel that there's this thing in me that just want to make a positive difference to the lives of people. And somehow, in the recent months, a lot of what I do and the things that make me happy have to do with making the lives of others better and I enjoy doing that.

I recently came across something written by someone which read "the value of a person is not determined by how much one is paid but how much one is able to give" and "the richest person is not one who has the most but one who needs the least". I find these two quotes rather true. In the materialistic and physical world we live in now, more often that not, we forget about the other important aspects of life that determine how we live, what we do and how we percieve things.

My thoughts are just hurling about in my head now and I am unable to capture any one of those thoughts and put them into words. I'm really tired.

Even after saying all of these and realising all of it, I still do not feel motivated to put into action something that will change my next second in life for the better. All of these "theories" or concepts that people come up with are actually based on many assumptions too, just like in economics, where there are no external factors and that everything is perfect. Sometimes perfect isn't really perfect in the sense that it only considers the circumstances and situation where "perfect" was used, but will not qualify to be "perfect" any more when one experiences more in life or upon looking back. It sometimes makes looking back at something we deem to be perfect very painful, knowing that perfect is no longer perfect.

Does this make a case for the people who choose to give up everything in life just to forget the perfect memories of the past by getting wasted on alcohol or to start afresh in a foreign place where there is nothing the resembles or can conjure the memories of the past? I don't know but I realise that it would be good if there is some way to block out thoughts or stop the brain from thinking (temporarily). Sometimes thinking too much does not help a single bit and it might be better not to think at all. As for now, the only method I know which works is to sleep but falling asleep is the tough part.

On another note, I think that I have unconsciously found out that it is not worth remembering the past because as I have said, nothing can be the same. There is no way I can ever relive the days where I am satisfied having a sweet to eat or relive the happiest days of my life again. Remembering the things I have to do is much more important. Having said that, it is not that I do not treasure those good and happy times. It is just that life has to go on and there is no way to hang on to those memories.

Going back to my point on those theories, hardly any of them accurately takes into account external factors such as how people will react. In fact, it is not possible to do so because no two people will have the exact same reaction to a similar situation. Every one thinks differently and there are billions of possibilities as to how people will react. It is true that the theories can apply loosely to the situations stated, but whatever the outcome is, there is no way to predict exactly.

I shall stop here for now.

Anyway, the performance today didn't go too well. I guess it's due to the rain though the rain did a good job at lowering the temperature (though it created other problems). Another reason it wasn't good is that poo kept falling from above without any warning. If I had sat two seats to my right, I think I would have been hit at least three times.

Meanwhile, I just hope that things will not go in the same direction as they did after the last concert which contained most of today's repertoire. All the post-concert high and a sudden plunge into some foreign territory. I don't think I can re-live that.

I must find some activity and a way to break my week up. This week has been physically and mentally draining. I don't know about next week but it is definitely going to leave me in a state where I'm never fully awake and where I can fall asleep the moment someone goes on and on about something that I cannot be bothered with.

I want a long long break.

Apart from rehearsals where I spend time doing something I enjoy, there isn't much to look forward to any more. Not even to the activity I used to look forward to so much every night that I would do everything I could to get home earlier. The times have changed and no, there is not the slightest hint that anything, if anything at all, would revert back to the good old way it used to be. Not any more.

My memory is very bad. I cannot even recall what I did two months ago. I happened to have the urge to take a look at what happened then but the details I could find don't seem to be able to help me recall the things that happened then. So much has happened since then. I don't quite remember the in-betweens but as of now, I'm willing to let those memories just evaporate. Maybe there'll be better days ahead that are worth much more to remember. Maybe it'll be something I regret not being able to recall.

I thought that extremes were bad but I've found out that being neither here nor there is far worse because the worst of the extremes are all present in the middle but yet, the best of the extremes are only in its mildest form. It's like a little of the best of both worlds and a huge lot of the worst of both worlds. Sounds totally insane! I wonder if there is a position that gives a little of the worst of both extremes and a huge lot of the best of the extremes. If economics is true, then I that would only happen in my dreams because economics is based on the assumption of scarcity. If someone has more benefits, another would lose out. However, it seems that in the real world, there are millions of transactions where mutual benefit is attainable, even though there are some where only one party gains. It's getting too complicated a discussion. There are so many things in this world that are unexplainable by logic and by science. Perhaps many years down the road, there will be new branches in science that are able to provide logical and scientific answers to these things. (This is based on the assumption that all scientific answers are proven and widely accepted to be facts.)

I am in awe at how I can link nothing to something and write a whole load of crap on nothing when I can hardly discuss about something when I have to. Somehow I find it a lot easier to express my thoughts using the written word than the verbal word and when I'm in idle mode as compared to under external propulsion (unless lots of hints are given to show me the direction I'm supposed to be heading towards or I'm guided patiently and pulled back on track through the process).

Now, I'm beginning to wonder if there is a law of reciprocation. I don't remember hearing of its existence but I've heard of other terms that suggests it like retribution, karma, the law with crime, et cetera. If such a thing exists inherently, why does its effect not be felt and seen immediately? Why doesn't a negative or positive action reciprocate immediately but take days, months and in some versions, even lifetimes to? And does human nature expect reciprocation - good for good and evil for evil? I am dumbfounded why people who believe in the law of reciprocation (in any form) only expect kindness and good deeds to be returned but do not even think that the bad deeds they have done would bestow unto them until they start questioning their bad luck. Wherever those answers lie in, I have totally no clue. I'd be awfully grateful if I can have the answers to all of the questions I have, including those in my brain bothering me right now. I don't think there will be any answer to all of these questions because the only true answer lies within me - I will not be convinced that any answer is true if I don't believe in it. How ironic.

The mind is easily deceived. Just come up with some complicated stuff and the mind automatically accepts it as correct; come up with anything simple and the mind would complicate it. Some people who understand this are able to make use of it to make heaps of money. They make something simple which may not necessarily be true complicated to convince the mind that it is true and from there, you would buy into their idea, making them rich. In some cases, this may be the case. But in others, the person who comes up with all the complicaed explanation and analysis benefit a third party (probably more like the job of an advertiser).

I think that's enough for today. Retail, food and writing. That's probably enough terrapins for today.

It is getting worse than ever. It usually wouldn't last for more than two days. This time, it looks set to stay for good. I may just have to put on a pretence though I've have almost totally given up all hope that anything will change from now on. I'm too exhausted and beat to resist in any way or attempt to struggle any more. If it decides to take me, I'll just comply.

Even the sea has lost its magical powers. I wonder what is left of the past; not that I want to go back in time - I cannot imagine having to relive this week. Taking each step is even more torturous than completing a marathon. I feel as though I'm becoming more and more like a criminal.

Nothing is going right.

This week has been quite a horrible week. Individual days were not as bad as the worst days I've experienced but this week as a whole has been rather unpleasant though I was allowed to do my own things most of the time.

I am starting to be very impatient at a lot of things, especially at work. I don't know if it is because my term is almost up and I cannot be bothered to ensure that everything goes without any hiccup any more or if it is because some people are getting more and more ridiculous with their requests or should I say demands. I hate to say this but I really don't understand why some people have to make me do something as simple as copying and pasting a file on the computer when they are already in the folder containing the file that needs to be copied. Even more ridiculous is how some people make such a big fuss over a broken collar pin but yet wear slippers instead of the proper shoes and make ridiculous demands but do not manage to even fulfil those demands themselves. I really feel like stuffing their mouths to the brim with freshly ground chilli padi and shoving socks soaked in ammonia up their nostrils.

I wonder what next week will be like.

Things don't feel too good lately. I don't know if I want them to get better or just get worse until it can no longer get any worse. I feel like giving everything up.