So many plans have to be changed, none of which are in my favour. I'm not even given a fair choice. It is like choosing between being killed and robbed. I do not get a say. Not only that, but it seems that there are many out there who enjoy having something done repeatedly - having someone do the job just to have it redone in a similar way.
Why am I always the cause of all trouble even if I do not do anything? I've tried every way and everything that I could think of. Even all is not sufficient. I wish an end would come soon. I cannot take it much longer living such days. Can't everyone just be happy for a day? Maybe it's because of my presence that people are unhappy.
I think I am not mature enough to fully understand everything that is happening.
Happy birthday Qiyan!
While it is pouring heavily outdoors, it is warm and stuffy indoors. I wish I could be standing outside in the rain feeling the drops of rain showering down on me. It just dawned upon me that I have not had a chance to enjoy the rain falling on me in my 19 years of living. That is just one of the many things that I might not even know of that I have yet to experience. The past 19 years had been such a long time. Frankly speaking, I do not look forward to live another few sets of 19 years if I am only going to have the same sort of life. No doubt there were some really precious moments worth my living for, but they lasted for only a short while while those nasty moments lasted for almost eternities and sometimes, even the good moments would turn into the worst possible nightmare in a matter of seconds. Maybe I am just not tolerant and patient enough. If only I could pick and choose the moments to experience again but there is no such thing.
Should I go on? Have I made a mistake? As badly as I need an answer, there is no way of knowing. I hope that everything goes on well and smoothly and that all that has happened were because of the unpleasant circumstance things are in. I am fully unaware of the consequences if all these turns out to be a mistake. I cannot even imagine how anything might be. Anyway, I probably would never admit that this particular decision was a mistake even if it truly were.
My life is too balanced. I must experience more extremes. There is no fun to having such a balanced life. It is just too boring being right smack in the middle of two extremes and not being able to experience or learn anything at all. So much for "having the best of both worlds". I would put it as having nothing from either of the worlds. No wonder it has been so meaningless and plain. Hoping for something special to happen is as good as waiting for money to fall from the sky.
I cannot take it any longer. I don't wish to write any more.
